"There’s never going to be a day when I won’t be there for you. We’re in this together, we’ll make it somehow." - old friend #1
"Come hell or high water, you can count on me to be there." - old friend #2
"Know that I love you and will always be there when you need me!" - old friend #3
Each one of these people have once meant the world to me. They know things about me that I would never dream of sharing with just anyone, and I know similar things about them. Each one of our friendships has gone through the ringer and I don’t speak to any of them, for various reasons. But the thing is, everytime I’ve tried to fix any of these relationships I get shot down.
I dunno, maybe this is just me playing the victim, but when I say this shit to friends (or anyone for that matter) you can believe that I’ll mean it until the day I die - no matter what has gone down between us. I could never ignore someone for months on end when they desperately want answers, or walk away from any sort of relationship that once meant enough to me to promise something like this.
Maybe I’m too naive. Maybe I need a tougher shell. Or maybe my attitude is exactly the way things should be and I’ll be the one making real and lasting relationships while all three of these people never experience anything but shallow and meaningless connections.
I relayed quite a few stories about my history over the last few days and I’m reminded how far I’ve come. I feel so lucky to have mostly beat my demons and found a way to live a healthy and happy life. Fucking come at me, life.
I’ve decided I’m going to try and stay sober for an entire year. No real reason. I’ve never really found myself having a true problem with alcohol but I HAVE seen too many people around me become far too dependent on booze and it’s definitely affected more than a few of my relationships. I’ve also noticed that I tend to want to turn to “partying” more when I’m in lower places instead of actually sitting with my emotions and dealing with them. I just want to challenge myself, I guess.
We’ll see how this goes!
I fell out with one of my best friends in May and have heard less than ten words directly from them since then.
This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through in my life. No “romantic” heartbreak has even come close to how broken I feel now.
It’s hard, I think, because friends are the family that you choose. You make the conscious decision to share your life with these people. They get to see the depths of you that you hide from the world. It’s a huge act of trust. Because of this, them leaving hurts worse than almost anything. It’s the ultimate rejection. Especially when you aren’t able to get the closure of knowing the reasons why - I can’t help but imagine the worst. I guess my demons don’t play well with yours.
If you somehow come across this, just know that I’ll always be here for you. It’s clear you’ve chosen to just drop me from your life and that’s your decision, and I guess have to respect that. I hope you figure your life out, and find out what makes you genuinely, truly and forever happy. I dream that I’ll be able to share it with you again one day.